A long journey into the arms

A long journey to embrace - is my story from when I found out that I was growing mo-di twins inside me, i.e. identical twins who share a placenta, until the first time I held our tiny and delicate daughters Isla and Mila in my arms.

I want to share my own story because when my husband and I first heard that we were having twins, the world was spinning around us, for a while it felt like I was drowning in my own bubble where the surrounding sounds echoed as if on deaf ears until I met my husband's gaze at the other end of the room where he was sitting looking just as dazed as I was and said - We have to buy a new car! When reality hit me hard I started looking for information, stories about twin pregnancies, but it felt like there was very little information available. So I decided to write our own story so that there would always be one more when someone else needs them.

We lived in 2018, so not that long ago, but still when I try to remember everything, it feels like light years have passed since everything happened because 2019 really happened and I watched everything from the front row, carrying incredible strength inside me, more than I could ever have imagined, more than I ever thought I was capable of carrying.

I want to tell this story exactly as I felt it in that moment, which is why I share with you my own updates and thoughts from my own Facebook wall.

So this is how it all started:

Update 5.11.2018

"On Friday, October 26, time stopped for a moment and it felt like my emotions were on a roller coaster, first from fear to joy and then probably everything in between. My nausea and fatigue were a clear sign that we were welcoming a new addition to our family. Day by day, cautiously hoping but knowing the realities, we hoped that everything would go well, until on Friday, October 26, the signs indicated that this story was coming to an end. In silence, we went to check how bad the situation was. As we prepared for the worst, the midwife's words struck a chord for a moment. "Here's a little surprise, there are two of these." I looked at Joonas (my husband), who certainly looked as dazed as I did. The tears of relief certainly contained a touch of fear-filled emotions. Those watchful nights, multiplied by two, are terrible, but nevertheless, it is a very privileged feeling. We are on the verge of a completely new beginning, and of course we hope that the journey will continue safely and well until the end. The journey to spring is still long and doubly exciting, but we have to live in the moment, preparing for everything. As we once felt that these things are ultimately not in our hands, how the story continues.. But today everything is as good as it can be and may we introduce our little identical twin newcomers, one a little smaller than the other "

Update 26.11.2018

"Guys have been on the road for exactly 15 weeks today 😊 My belly size is the same as the previous weeks, 20 or even 21 😬 Apart from the low ferritin value, everything is fine with me and the twins. When expecting twins, the weeks are filled with screenings, I and the fetuses are constantly being monitored very closely. I can still be grateful for how healthy I am, all the values ​​measured by blood tests, which have been taken a lot here (except for the iron) are nicely on the golden mean, which is not self-evident even when you are not pregnant. It is good to continue living in the moment when everyone here is doing well. Have a good week everyone, keep your spirits up and rejoice in all the good things we have here and now, let's also rejoice in the happiness of others, so the world will be a much better place for everyone 😘"

Update 12.12.2018

" A new stage in life has been reached. So I thought I'd update a little on the news of our twin pregnancy since a few of my friends wanted to hear about it.

When I was expecting my first child and they gave me facts about childbirth or recommended coaching, I just said that it's none of my business, the baby will come out without breathing exercises and horror stories. Like the few major surgeries I've had/had, I've also gone in more unaware than aware. I've told the doctors that it's enough for me that they know what they're doing, spare me the details and medicate accordingly, preferably overkill rather than underdoing it.

My own well-being is already better, and I have already given up on all kinds of big “near future prospects” regarding my new career. I have realized that this is now my job / education to focus on until I am told otherwise, and this family is now being completed, built and grown around it. For all of us, our own time and time for each other is important, so let's start by finding that way. Joonas will go on “golf trips” from time to time and I will “mini golf” with friends, as my good friend said Then everyday life stays somewhat normal.

Here we are now, like (twins) in a train carriage, looking to the future with hope. Sometimes the cold surprises us a bit, but we are on the rails and the direction is forward. "Merry Christmas to everyone."

Update 2.1.2019

"The long-awaited structural ultrasound and the halfway point of pregnancy have been crossed and reached. Two small, graceful, healthy and similar-sized girls are still making their way into this world, so the journey continues again with hope and good spirits towards spring." "

Update 12.1.2019

Those legs are still there 😅

Update 15.1.2019

"Today was my "day as a pensioner" in the company of lovely pensioner grandmas and grandpas. I had to go with the whole gang to look at tiny baby clothes. And now it happened completely unexpectedly that I found that lovely dress 😍 And what's even better here is that you get two for the price of one 😉

Update 25.1.2019

"I'm starting to have perhaps the most mentally difficult week behind me, but fortunately it's now turning for the better.

On Monday, our twins were diagnosed with TTTS, which is one of the worst fears of expecting identical twins. The situation quickly took a turn for the worse and yesterday we were lying on the operating table, fearing the worst and hoping for the best.

I'm glad we went to the emergency room on Monday, even if it was earlier. We would have had a check-up appointment yesterday, Thursday, when the situation could have been much more fatal.

Here at HYKSI, we have been treated by an incredible team of top experts who have kept us firmly grounded in reality the whole time without giving us any false hopes. We have been prepared for this since the very first doctor's visit, we live in the moment, enjoying the good news. Then I grieve if there is reason. This week has been more of a depression, but I myself wonder how in a moment of need I somehow find the strength to keep myself calm and realistic while living the ordinary everyday life surrounded by family and friends. It is pointless to live ahead of things when the future is not in our own hands.

Since yesterday's surgery, we have lived in ignorance about how the girls in the womb are doing, whether they will survive, and what the consequences of the procedures will be. Because the twins are still too small for this outside world, resuscitation or rescue measures will not be undertaken until there are weeks left so that they have the prerequisites for a healthy child into this world.

To our momentary relief, both of them have recovered well from yesterday and the journey towards their goal continues again, hopeful but with reservations, one day and week at a time 💕

Thank you to all of you who have lived these moments with us. Thank you for your encouraging words and for keeping us company in our everyday lives, away from these heavy thoughts. You are irreplaceable now and in the future. Thank you Tina and Pekka (my parents) for making our everyday life with the children a reality ❤️

Update 27.1.2019

"A wonderful sunny winter day 😍 Even though I was just looking out the hospital window, it felt like the batteries were getting the power they needed again, LIGHT 💕 Then I got the most beloved company in the world here to brighten up the day. If only I could get home tomorrow 🤔 Rasmus (our 4-year-old son at the time) said he had to stay in bed next to me too as his cheek is a bit sore 😍"

Update 28.1.2019

"Today is a good day, Joonas (my husband) is turning 30 and we celebrated together here at the Women's Clinic, my old man 😜 In addition, I got iron directly into my veins and this should make me feel better quickly. And the best news of all is that according to today's ultrasound, the girls have fought their way to the starting positions, and we are expecting two healthy children. So the journey continues day and week at a time, but NOW everything is a WONDERFUL DAY 😍😃"

Update 8.2.2019

"I have to say that when we decided to let fate decide whether we would become parents to one more little offspring, not even in our wildest dreams could we have predicted what kind of journey this would take. From the beginning, we have lived on the crest of a wave of happiness and uncertainty. Here we have learned to rejoice in small things, to deal with the fear of loss and to live in the moment without letting either emotion take over, whether it is joy or sadness. When life tests us, it also teaches us and gives us perspective on the most everyday things. Ignorance is the most crushing thing, but it is also infinitely broadening to many things that we have never even seen before. I am still optimistic and grateful for this very rare journey. Ultrasound visits are no longer that wonderful moment when we get a small glimpse of the little miracle that will soon be born to us. These moments are long and exhausting, lasting about an hour. It was enough for me that I got good news right at the beginning, both of our hearts are beating, then I fell asleep because I knew that this is where I was going to be for a long time, and my "presence" had no bearing on the outcome. Finally I woke up to good news. Baby A's heart defect has been fixed, all the flow in both hearts and brains is good, there is the same amount of amniotic fluid in both and there is not much difference. I felt like asking if everything is fine now, we got through it!!!! But since I know the answer to that, I thanked her and wished her a good weekend. Everything is fine, everything is fine now, and that is really much better than if something were bad... the journey continues and time will tell 😍 Have a good weekend 😘"

Update 22.2.2019

"Life is once again controlled by powers that we have no control over. Somehow I have managed to slip into such a bubble that I do not always understand what is happening around me, where I am and why. The other night I drive to the Women's Clinic to the emergency room just "just in case" because I am bleeding. Jonttu (my already adult firstborn) stays to sleep with his little brothers. At 3 am, my head does not really follow my body and then things start to happen. I lie in a hospital bed and a swarm of doctors and midwives are bustling around me. I get tired, and I notice that many things are passing by and I throw myself at the mercy of skilled hands again, as if to externalize the whole situation. I understand that something is "up". One puts a thorn in the crotch, another a cannula in one hand and another in the other while blood tests are being taken. Joonas is on a business trip in England and our children are being born?? Then they will take me to the delivery room with my bed. The most important thing in my mind is who will take Rasmus I'm wondering how things are going at home. They're taking me to the delivery room in my bed and I'm trying to figure out the practical arrangements for the family over the phone. No one knows exactly what's going to happen, and it's already become familiar here, so I'm just living in the moment without really believing in anything, it's just this moment and I'm tired.

It's ten in the morning and there are people milling around, my head is spinning while I try to take in all the information that I can then tell Joonas when he's making his way through the stopovers towards Finland and calling for interim information. Now that I think about it, I don't remember exactly how yesterday went, I realized that the twins are fine and if they are born, everyone is here ready to do their best, the predictions are good, but every extra day would be important so I couldn't move from bed.

When Joonas arrived, everything was calm. The pediatrician from the nursery came to calmly and realistically explain what happens when twins are born, what to do if they can't breathe right away, or if they do, two nurses will immediately take them to the observation room and from there to the intensive care unit/nursery, depending on their condition, etc. Then we just waited. Night came and the next morning, nothing happened, we were given one more day.

In the morning the doctor checked again, the situation has calmed down now, the twins are doing well but we will be monitoring them for at least one more night in the ward, I will start moving around other than to the toilet. But I was mobilised 50% 😃 so we can see what happens when I move 💪🏻 When I got out of the room I didn't understand which floor I was on, opposite my room was the operating theatre, someone was being born there. I felt like I had come out of some dark hole like a mole. The sun was shining and today was a lovely day outside. Here we are again, in the delivery room without pain, without any knowledge of what was coming. We listened to the radio with Joonas and just hung out, sometimes the midwife came and put me on the charts, the lab lady came to take tests... nothing happened and that's good. We had lovely guests and hung out in the delivery room the whole time. I've never hung out in the delivery room for so long without pain, without a specific goal before. Then everyone leaves and I'm left alone to look around. This room has everything ready for the birth of a child, all the equipment and tools that we will probably never need, this would not be the room where our girls would be born on this trip.

In the evening the midwife came and put me on the treadmill, we talked for an hour about life, politics and the world. Since I had been able to sleep my brain started to take things in again, I also asked a little about what exactly was going on here and what was next... Well, a stupid question, but I asked anyway. My water has broken and for some reason I'm bleeding, the consequences can only be guessed at. Anything can happen in the next few weeks, now I'm here and tomorrow somewhere else, or will I be here??

The faces here in the house are starting to look familiar, even the doctors say hello and the roots of the story are sometimes so off topic that I don't even remember why I'm here, it's like some house elf who's just hanging around here 😅 I'm wondering if this ignorance has numbed my life, but I don't see anything dramatic here anymore. Calm before the storm?? Soon Joonas will come back here and we'll start sleeping, in the delivery room 🤔 That's what we're supposed to do."

Update 26.2.2019

"The waiting time is long.."

Update 28.2.2019

"Today was an eventful day, I got to see the doctor for an ultrasound 😅 Everything is fine with the girls and there is nothing abnormal or different in their structures, they can't tell which is the donor and which is the recipient baby, and that's good. The magical limit of one kilo has been crossed, but I won't be allowed home anymore due to the many stages of pregnancy and the breaking of my water, etc. Anything can be expected at any time, maybe in an hour or weeks. If everything is calm like now, I'll be able to go outside every day. After being indoors for a week, it feels like a party 😍 More information about ignorance is definitely knocking at the back of my head where I've already hidden quite a lot of emotions during this journey. Fortunately, reason still wins over emotions, and the thought that this is the end of our lives is just a small moment... Without the incredible support groups, this would be really hard for our whole family, or actually even harder, because this is really trying for all of us. Thank you also to those of you who visit me, now I just have time. Thank you Tina and Pekka, you make our everyday life happen week after week and are an invaluable help to Joonas, not forgetting all the encouraging calls and messages ❤️❤️ Everything is possible when you are around 🌸💕

Update 1.3.2019

"Wonderful, I got to go out "a little bit closer" today to enjoy the lovely sunshine 💕 Well, I got a ride from Joonas to Lauttasaari to see my mom and dad's new apartment, then we went home and went to Ikea again. A couple of hours dragged on into the evening 😬 My "partners in crime" left me at the lobby door and I snuck out in my civilian clothes to quickly change into my ward clothes and quickly slipped into bed as if I had been waiting there for hours 😇 My bed was made and the sheets changed, I felt welcome 😊 However, no one came to check in so I whistled and went to the office to register and asked "What's up with those curves, is anyone coming here to watch us, I've been waiting for a while solving crosswords" 😬😅😇 So it reminded me of my own childhood/youth when sometimes the evenings dragged on a bit and I "disappeared" a little...

Update 4.3.2019

"These girls of ours didn't think of letting mom or anyone else off easy. The benefits they had achieved and their almost symptom-free state were then taken away in one fell swoop, and yesterday I had to return to the hospital in the middle of my "vacation" when my waters decided to continue their journey again. I was tied to the bed again and in a wheelchair to the doctor's office, food was brought to the bed, but I was allowed to shower and go to the bathroom (I just got black from a heavy shower). Now I can say that we are about to reach the point where my tolerance is starting to be tested, although who knows if this is just the tip of the iceberg? I don't care about being in a place or living for others to pass me by 😡 ​​I notice how anger starts to rise from somewhere inside me, which in itself is a kind of resource, if we pull through this with anger, what would happen next, a toilet ban? 😤 I'm starting to get the feeling that two girls are coming who are just as determined as their mom, luckily they are all still fine, and I have no idea what's going on outside, although I don't know any more than this moment suggests. I know, everything will work out, I know that this is just a moment in life, I know that I have to think nice thoughts...."

Update 14.3.2019

If only I could pass the time and update the news again, since many people are already asking what everyday life is like in our hospital. It's exactly the same here as it was a week or two ago. Today marks three weeks since I've been following these corridors and their events. People come and go. I can't even get to know them anymore.

For less than two weeks I had a lovely roommate. A 23 year old young woman who has partly the same situation as me. We have settled into a house together and finally the curtains in our two-room apartment have been open so that we can share the canned snacks that we used to go to the café to get at a high price while watching TV. There was already a list for the whole week of new TV series that we would watch together on the TV in our room. The midwives didn't even have time to explain things to us individually anymore, but told us things together while we tried to focus on the program. The same thing, "Hi, I'm your evening midwife (what evör) and I'm here as your midwife tonight. As you know, ring the bell early if anything comes up blah blah blah".

We had been waiting for Wednesday for a long time when the Tempparit starts. Yesterday at breakfast my roommate said that today is a holiday to which I exclaimed "YES the tempparit starts". After a moment of silence he started laughing and said well that's it but I've reached the magical 28 weeks, but YES THE TEMPPARIT!!!

Every day is almost the same. At 7 in the morning, the lab aunt comes rattling around with the stroller and turns on the lights and demands to tell the name and the name of the baby. I'm always nervous about which one she's going to inject, or both?? Then the dreams continue until the midwife comes and demands breakfast where we're tossing our hair in a towel in low voices. I have a yellow coat (Tipu) and my friend has a pink one (Possu).

That's how the day starts, just like in the movie My Day as a Groundhog.

Yesterday, in the middle of everything, my roommate got the news that he was being transferred to a patient hotel, where he had wanted to be at the beginning, but now it suddenly felt a bit sad, we had to cover the Tempparit together 😳 Well, who wouldn't want to be left alone in this facility if the situation doesn't require constant monitoring like mine. This room of ours was already starting to look inhabited with all its junk. The chair for guests was our common "goodies basket" where we collected common goodies that we could freely take (mainly bananas that we had accumulated from snacks). But all of a sudden, the other side of the room was emptied of things. Since I have a "curfew" and can't go out, he promised to always bring me everything from the store if I needed it (the hotel is across the road) while he himself comes to the ward every other day for a visit ❤️

Being here makes you realize how important small things and routines become. How wonderful it is to share your everyday life with someone who is going through the same thing. When your everyday routines change, even the smallest change feels big and then you get a momentary depression when you have to adapt to the new again.

I watched the show alone in the evening, although we communicated via text and wished each other goodnight. My closet is also crammed with my roommate's things because we didn't get to take everything with us. In the morning, the cleaners came and made the bed next to the new resident, and I felt sad, having to close the curtains again.

There were new faces at breakfast again. Then it was time for the curves.... and the same old everyday life continues. Nothing new but one day at a time (I hate that saying). Tomorrow I will probably have gathered myself and be ready to adapt to new challenges, oh yes, it is Thursday, doctor's day. Maybe I will get some new information 🤔

I would add to this now that I have been to the doctor...

A visit to the doctor always brings hope, the expectation of getting answers and solutions. The most important information, of course, is that everything is fine. When the doctor asks if you have any questions, your head fills with questions. At the same time as you are about to ask the question, you realize that there is no answer to this, nor to the next, nor to the next... does anyone know when the babies will be born, today, tomorrow, in April...? The answer is "we will monitor the situation"...

The twins weigh just under 1500g and are doing well. The amniotic fluid is low, but as long as the heart rate, flow and inflammation levels are good, it's better to be in the womb and develop, so we'll continue on the same path, enduring these passages, hoping for more days and weeks.

The midwives always come to ask how I'm doing, mainly how my head is holding up to this "regular customership". So I always make everything sound reasonable and they admire my week after week positive attitude... this is where I've accumulated strength of character, self-deception tactics and acting talents are pretty good, just to protect myself until I get to the next level or into Joonas's arms, where I can always be my weak self ❤️😊"

A few hours later.

We had two lovely girls born late in the evening of March 14th (week 30+4) by cesarean section ❤️❤️

Update 17.3.2019

"The first night of "proper" sleep after giving birth, and I'm slowly starting to realize that all of this is true. On Thursday morning, the doctor let me know that the situation is calm and the next stage is week 32. But the reason why I've been plodding around the hospital corridors became concrete in one fell swoop. I missed the Temppariet evening bonfire 😅 (fate comes into play) when by that time I was already being wheeled into the section with my bed in a thousand pains, where Joonas also made it to the count's time.

Unlike Rasmus' planned C-section, everyone was in a hurry, there was blood everywhere when the placenta suddenly detached itself and an epidural was tried a couple of times between contractions. Then the aunt turned and quickly brought the children into the world.

The most vivid memory is that I was shaking like a leaf in a wound, Joonas tried to calm himself down (mostly himself, I guess), but he almost fainted a couple of times. When the doctors told me to put nitro in my vein, I thought that now it's over. But somehow we all made it this far on this long, exhausting journey.

Even though the situation is still critical, I have to say that we have been blessed with two fighters with a desire for life who have persevered through many trials and so far we have received good news every day. Let's hope that the journey continues in this direction 🙏 and that by the end of spring we will have our final and beloved complete lineup back home ❤️ I can't ask for more from life at this point. After losing a lot of blood and already having low hemoglobin, I have been very tired and therefore responding to messages and calls has been slow and even non-existent. Now that I have the strength after the night, I will go for breakfast, grab some painkillers and run over to see our little ones 💕😍"

Update 18.3.2019

"No longer just Miss A and B, but now they have their own names 😊

Update 19.3.2019

"Hospital bag packed again and bus route sorted out, leaving every morning at 10.06. This time to my little princesses in the intensive care unit of the Women's Clinic where I'll spend the days until they can be admitted to the ward in Jorvi and then home 🙏 I miss them already even though I was only home for one night. That was lovely too ❤️"

Update 20.3.2019

This day started with good news. The girls are doing so well that they might be able to get off work and go to Jorvi this weekend 😍 Mila's lovely smile made this day perfect, and I'll soon be holding her for the first time.

The best moments in the world.

Update 22.3.2019

"Today it was Isla's turn ❤️ Nothing beats this feeling, every time my heart breaks ❤️"

Update 23.3.2019

"Thank you Women's Clinic for the good care, we will miss the wonderful professional staff with great effort. But our journey now continues to Jorvi ward care, which is a sign that the direction is right and towards home ❤️ It has been a very emotional day, and now we are learning new things again as parents for these wonderful arts of ours 💕"

Update 27.3.2019

"Isla and Milan's reunion ❤️"

Update 29.3.2019

"Yes, it's only fitting that our twins will be home before summer, so we have to start somewhere. Now the beds are ready for the little ones, and little by little this house will become their own home too ❤️❤️"

Update 1.4.2019

"I fully embrace girl power!"

Update 4.4.2019

"Yesterday I received the girls' birth stories in the mail, and at the same time we were thinking about our girls' journey into the world, which is indeed a bit of a drag. Even though the road up until now has been winding, somewhere deep down I have always lived with confidence, and even though the realities have been hammered into my consciousness, I have somehow managed to shut out fear, at least so that it has not taken full control. We agreed that I would grieve if there was a reason, and we would rejoice in every joyful subject. Joonas said before the TTTS surgery that the 40% we were given (that both of them would survive) is the number we are looking at, it is more than zero. And that is how I want to live my life from now on. There is always hope ❤️

Today, however, it felt good to press Isla's head against my chest and listen to the hissing of the nasal tube. We were really close to losing her, the first minutes of her life have been really critical, but as many doctors have said, our girls have really had the will to fight and for that we are really grateful.

So now, as I hold Isla, I realize that life is a precious gift, not a given. Then, when everyday life gets tough, I try to remember this and those sentences from the first minutes of Isla's life. I'm so grateful ❤️"

This was our story about how our journey together began. During this time, I learned more about life and its respect, about how powerless we are in the face of life, that life is not self-evident. In the intensive care unit, I often wondered who those little creatures were, I feel like I didn't really dare to rejoice in what was to come during my pregnancy. Although I felt immense love for them already during my pregnancy, at the same time I was preparing for the worst by partially externalizing myself from reality, it was a way for me to endure the uncertainty. When I looked at them "from behind the glass" in the premature baby cabinet, it felt like I was on a tour of the future, not looking at my own unimaginably small children.

Soon, however, about 1.3 kg premature babies became the new normal for me. I slowly began to understand what a turn in my life had suddenly happened, I am a mother to two little girls, over time I gave myself permission to trust that they would not be taken away again. A new kind of growth into a mother began, the phase that I had experienced with my older brothers during pregnancy began when I realized that soon we would meet..

Two such small, big lives had taken over all of us, and everyday life in the hospital began, which brought new challenges, insights, and lessons to life. This is what I will write about next as my own story.

This journey is unique for every mother. The support of mothers in the same situation was very important to me, through them I encountered a lot of joy, hope, comfort, sadness, fear and even loss, which still touches me when I travel back in time to those moments. It was just about trusting that life would carry me, and as I said, trying to live in the moment. Although I was surprised by my own strength in a moment of need, I admit that there were moments when I cried out loud in the shower in the ward and let out my bad feelings, and I managed to make it through the next day and the next news.